hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
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I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
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in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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