everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
