Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You pole danced in your parka.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
