The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
