his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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