I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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