I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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