Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
