Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Boobs are out for the taking
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness