Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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