When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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