I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
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Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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