i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
