worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
