U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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