my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
