If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
