But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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