she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
