My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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