ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
