This is not my ceiling
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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