good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
