I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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