Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
