She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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