i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
