He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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