i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
