1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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