If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
COCAINE IS GR8
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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