I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
