Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm getting married
To pizza
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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