but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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