what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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