Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He felt like a one man threesome
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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