Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I AM VODKA MAN
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
