you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
