i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize