I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
