Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
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I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
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I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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