who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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