We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
