Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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