Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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