Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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