come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
