is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
