I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
