I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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