oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
