Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
