Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
