don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
