Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
