It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I deserve this hangover.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
