I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
