I wish my penis had an off switch
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.