from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
