I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
