Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
